How to do less for children, but more?

New gadgets and fashionable clothing, the best tutors and trips to the sea, the possibilities that we ourselves did not have in childhood … It seems that we, parents, endlessly pass intermediate exams, and strict and picky examiners-our children are constantly unhappy with somewhat dissatisfied. What to do with this, psychotherapist Anastasia Rubtsova.

Girlfriend brought her son to the sea. Son is a beautiful fashionable boy of 12 years old, not yet a teenager, but almost. He went to the beach, contemptuously pouted his lips, says that it is generally, there is algae on the left on the stones and there are no parachutes. In the winter there were parachutes in Dubai.

“Nastya,” a friend writes, “how to console him? And if he doesn’t swim at all at all? What to do?”

“Try it, I write,” local fish. And wine. Here is my professional advice “.

Another friend’s daughter, a charming girl, like Hermione, accused that at home is dusty and a mess. “Damn,” says a friend, almost crying, “I agree, a mess, I have no time to have a second week, then I’m handing a report to the hospital to aunt Lena

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, then for sports – well, maybe there was no need for sports, II could have surpassed at this time “.

Another friend with a daughter with a dismissive grimac says: “Well, what, in July, you will finally buy me xbox, or you have an OPY-I-I-I-I-I-I Little Money?»A friend is ashamed because the money is really not enough. And they are needed for another. And he is not at once a young father, providing his child with all the necessary (including warmth, support and bicycle), and the guilty loser, who has not enough money for Xbox for the third month.

So, this is a trap.

Interestingly, in it, in this trap, usually the most responsible and sensitive parents fail. Those who are really trying and they really don’t care how the child feels. Who doesn’t care, they are invulnerable to reproaches. Parents who have expenses “for a child” (study, tutors, treatment, entertainment, fashionable things) suffer – if not the largest, then certainly a noticeable article in the budget.

But still, they, frightened by books about children’s injuries and parental callousness, themselves endlessly doubt: is it not enough, oh, are I doing not enough? Why then the child is not enough? Maybe you have to try more?

The child has no reliable criteria by which he could evaluate our parental work as “good” or “bad”

No. We must try less.

We are all (ok, not all, but many) share the illusion that, if you are good caring parents, try and do everything right, then the child will “like” everything. He will appreciate. He will be grateful.

In fact, the child is a very bad appraiser. He seems to be obvious, but not obvious – there are no reliable criteria by which he could evaluate our parental work as “good” or “bad”. He has very little life experience, he has never been in our place, feelings still often deceive him. Especially a teenager whom hormones generally throw back and forth like a ball.

A child – like any person – will think that everything is given easily and costs nothing, even cleaning, even making money. And if we do not do something, then out of harmfulness and stupid stubbornness. Until he finds out that this is not so.

A child – like any person – will assume that “good” is when it is better than “normal”. And if the winter sea in Dubai, gifts, fashion gadgets, cleanliness in the house and, in addition to everything, an attentive patient parent – this is his “normal”, then, on the one hand, you can be happy for him, seriously. On the other hand, he really has nowhere to find out that there is some other “normal”.

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